Helena Trent

In Darkness Born the Light - My Journey From Mutation To Transformation

A Whole New World

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I was shocked by my scan results not because it turned out bad… let’s face it, I have had worse, but because it didn’t match how I feel. I was confused and devastated that I don’t have a correct sense how my own body is doing. It’s not that I am afraid to die, I have made my peace with death at the beginning of this journey. Death doesn’t have to hunt me down, I will go willingly when it’s my time.

chi

I was devastated because if I can’t trust how I feel, what can I trust?! In the darkness and silence of the night, breath answered, “Trust me. Follow me and I will show you places you have not felt before, love like you have never loved before, live like you have never lived before. Follow me and I will show you the way.” I laughed out loud so hard that I woke up! No wonder there is a breath teacher just came into my life in the last few weeks! The universe does have a sense of humor! In Chinese, breath is chi, chi follows the breath. Chi is the vital energy force of all beings.

I thought I was done with cancer, but there is another level to go. I have this word on my wall, “evolove”. Cancer brought to realization I have love backwards. I completed the first half of the evol, but now to complete the journey I actually have to love forward.

Six months ago, I didn’t know I would live to see the spring, but now that spring is here, the sun is shining, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, I feel the resilience and renewal of life on earth. I am totally tuning into and enjoying the spring energy. That’s how I feel inside as well. Just as nature shows us, there is a season for everything. I was diagnosed around winter time. The winter season was for me to let go of all that no longer served me and turning inward to conserve my energy. I did that. Now, spring is for me to plant the seed for a new life ahead of me. Summer time is for nurturing and maturing. Fall is for harvesting, reaping the rewards of the planted seed in the spring. To know what season I am in gives me perspective and patience for the journey ahead. I have good energy because good energy is what it takes to go through the journey ahead. Life has blessed me with that regardless what the scans showed. The scans are showing me what my body needs. It’s OK I don’t get the results I had hoped for today, I am in the spring season of my journey.

My oncologist might be fearful to make adjustments, but I am not. Yes, doctors are human too, I saw fear in his eyes because he knows the only other tools he could offer are invasive, last time he ordered radiation, it almost killed me. That’s why he didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to wait 4 weeks to give me a PET scan. I am not going to sit around and wait for cancer to advance on me. I know other alternative paths I can take that’s in support of my body’s healing journey.

I have decided to add intravenous vitamin C, Chi Nei Tsang treatments, acupuncture, and possibly ozone therapy to my treatments. These are alternative methods I learned through a cancer documentary in Asia. These treatments are not covered by insurance and they are quite expensive which was the reason I didn’t go there in the first place. I was hoping immunotherapy alone could do the job, but it worked for a while, now my body needs additional support. All the treatments I mentioned are from $75-$225 per session and would require multiple sessions a week consistently for a few months to be effective.

I am self-employed, since the diagnose, I have stepped back from my business and hired a couple people to help me. I also stopped taking on new clients in order to heal. My income has dropped considerably. It’s ok when insurance was paying for most of my treatments, but to undertake alternative treatments would be a real stretch. I estimate it would take about $20,000 to go through these treatments for the rest of the year. I have set up a gofundme page, if anyone would like to contribute to my treatments, I would appreciate it.

Here I was a few hours after I received my scan results, at the bottom of the Pittsburgh Incline. Life is about to lift me to fantastic vista of the city, but the road forward is steep. I need help.

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Resurrection Weekend

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Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers! I feel soooo blessed by you all!

I had my CT & MRI scan yesterday as scheduled. Yes, the liquid they made me drink for the scans still made me sick, but I felt so much stronger this time. I made it through my day yesterday without being knocked down. 🙂

I won’t get my scan results until I meet with my oncologist on Monday morning. We will see what life has to say. Regardless how it turns out, I am feeling fabulous and humbled by this journey at the same time.

Exactly six months ago today, I spent the week in the hospital due to radiation poisoning. I was crashing so badly that I was on oxygen 24/7. They started talking to me about hospice care. I didn’t know if I was make it out of that hospital alive.

I was trying so so hard to breath, pulling in air, pushing my lungs. I could feel myself drowning and suffocating. All my life, I tried and tried so hard to do the right thing all the time. I decided I wasn’t going to die like that. I would let go and let life. So I stopped trying to breath… the moment I stopped trying and completely let go, life was breathing me… air in and air out, my lungs were expanding and contracting on their own. Shallow as they might be, but I wasn’t struggling anymore. For the first time in my life, I felt the ease (peace) and true relaxation I have always tried so hard to get to. Life was and is given for every breath at every moment, not because we tried, but because we are. Once I stopped trying to push my lungs and relaxed, my body miraculously came around, a couple of days later I was well enough to be discharged from the hospital and got better everyday since.

It has been a miraculous healing journey for me with the help of everyone since I got out of the hospital. With Easter around the corner, I feel like I am having a “resurrection weekend” of my own. Life is so resilient and the spring is renewing my energy. I feel so blessed by your love! Happy Easter everyone!

On Writing

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Now that I am so much better and being out and about talking to people, I often hear comments about my blog. I am surprised (and truthfully a little embarrassed) when people tell me how much my blog has helped them. Some of them even asked me when are you going to write your book? lol!!!

The truth is I have had my writing practice longer than I have had my tai chi practice. I just had no reason to share my writing until recently. Like tai chi, writing is now an ingrained part of my life. I didn’t write with the intend to publish anything. I started writing as a way to observe my own thought patterns. I started with a diary about a year before I found tai chi. When I started journaling, it didn’t take long for me to notice how repeated my thought patterns were. Just like some food are not so digestible to our system, some emotions are not so digestible to our mind. I ended up chewing it over and over again and still unable to swallow it.

When I started tai chi, the way we experience our physical body through movements and tuning in to observe where tensions show up resonated with me immediately. It turns out our physical body holds tension the same way our mind holds undigested emotions. As my practice deepened, I would find myself having these what I called “tai chi moments” where mental breakthroughs would come to me like those aha moments when I could get my body in alignment and perfect timing. Those previously indigestible emotions found a way to transform itself like physical tension turned into relaxation. Just like we digest food to get a healthier body, we digest emotions to become a more mature person. The two practices went hand-in-hand for me. As my body got more and more relaxed, my mind got more and more peaceful. It got to a point when I sat down to write, my mind went quiet.

I then started giving myself writing prompts. I started with a gratitude journal about 6 years ago, everyday I would write down a few things I was grateful for and I would number them to “count my blessings”. A few months ago, I went over 6,000. Many of you were in it way way before my cancer journey!

This cancer journey has had its ups and downs physically. I am in awe of what this human body can endure and still soldier on. I feel so lucky that I get to live this this body and experience the grace of the world thanks to you all. I feel so guided now more than ever in my life. I don’t know where life is taking me yet, but for the first time in my life I am proud to say I have no goals. 🙂 But I do know this, the road forward is no longer “want” but to give and to receive. I am listening to life’s guidance in every moment.