I rarely sleep through the night anymore. I am usually woken up by either cough or pain in the middle of the night. Sometimes I am able to take my cough medicine and go back to sleep, other times not.
This morning was no different. I lied awake in the dark in pain, the house was quiet. I got into my sleeping meditation position and just be with the pain. At least I could still feel the pain, many people would trade me for that (ok, maybe not that many, hahaha!).
From the time I went to the doctors thinking I got an annoying cough wouldn’t go away which lead to the initial chest x-ray, then CT scan, now stage 4 lung cancer, bone cancer and possibly a brain tumor to join the party, the whole thing went down in less than a month’s time! I am not someone use to being sick, can’t even remember the last time I had the flu, must be 10+ years!! I am in absolute awe at the power of destruction happening in my own body. When I saw the CT scan image of my lungs for the first time, I was in shock. Healthy lungs should look like black empty chambers, mine was filled with cancer cells that lit up like Christmas bulbs, filled both of my lungs with the mess in my upper left lung looked like a cluster of stars in a galaxy. If I didn’t know any better, it looked marvelous! It’s like watching a lightning storm from a distance, you can’t help but in awe of its beauty.
Yet despite all the destructive cells actively attacking my body, my lungs are still drawing every breath as I lied in the dark, in and out, in and out… isn’t it amazing that I am still breathing and for the most part functioning? How much can the human body take?
A thought occurred to me, if the power of destruction is so strong in me, then so must be the power to heal. If there is yin, there must be also yang, that’s the law of the Tao. I just have to tab into my own power to heal.
My treatments are starting next week. I will lean on all the support around me to evoke that healing power within. For as long as my lungs are willing to draw in the next breath, I am here to live. I am here to love this world.