I was shocked by my scan results not because it turned out bad… let’s face it, I have had worse, but because it didn’t match how I feel. I was confused and devastated that I don’t have a correct sense how my own body is doing. It’s not that I am afraid to die, I have made my peace with death at the beginning of this journey. Death doesn’t have to hunt me down, I will go willingly when it’s my time.
I was devastated because if I can’t trust how I feel, what can I trust?! In the darkness and silence of the night, breath answered, “Trust me. Follow me and I will show you places you have not felt before, love like you have never loved before, live like you have never lived before. Follow me and I will show you the way.” I laughed out loud so hard that I woke up! No wonder there is a breath teacher just came into my life in the last few weeks! The universe does have a sense of humor! In Chinese, breath is chi, chi follows the breath. Chi is the vital energy force of all beings.
I thought I was done with cancer, but there is another level to go. I have this word on my wall, “evolove”. Cancer brought to realization I have love backwards. I completed the first half of the evol, but now to complete the journey I actually have to love forward.
Six months ago, I didn’t know I would live to see the spring, but now that spring is here, the sun is shining, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, I feel the resilience and renewal of life on earth. I am totally tuning into and enjoying the spring energy. That’s how I feel inside as well. Just as nature shows us, there is a season for everything. I was diagnosed around winter time. The winter season was for me to let go of all that no longer served me and turning inward to conserve my energy. I did that. Now, spring is for me to plant the seed for a new life ahead of me. Summer time is for nurturing and maturing. Fall is for harvesting, reaping the rewards of the planted seed in the spring. To know what season I am in gives me perspective and patience for the journey ahead. I have good energy because good energy is what it takes to go through the journey ahead. Life has blessed me with that regardless what the scans showed. The scans are showing me what my body needs. It’s OK I don’t get the results I had hoped for today, I am in the spring season of my journey.
My oncologist might be fearful to make adjustments, but I am not. Yes, doctors are human too, I saw fear in his eyes because he knows the only other tools he could offer are invasive, last time he ordered radiation, it almost killed me. That’s why he didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to wait 4 weeks to give me a PET scan. I am not going to sit around and wait for cancer to advance on me. I know other alternative paths I can take that’s in support of my body’s healing journey.
I have decided to add intravenous vitamin C, Chi Nei Tsang treatments, acupuncture, and possibly ozone therapy to my treatments. These are alternative methods I learned through a cancer documentary in Asia. These treatments are not covered by insurance and they are quite expensive which was the reason I didn’t go there in the first place. I was hoping immunotherapy alone could do the job, but it worked for a while, now my body needs additional support. All the treatments I mentioned are from $75-$225 per session and would require multiple sessions a week consistently for a few months to be effective.
I am self-employed, since the diagnose, I have stepped back from my business and hired a couple people to help me. I also stopped taking on new clients in order to heal. My income has dropped considerably. It’s ok when insurance was paying for most of my treatments, but to undertake alternative treatments would be a real stretch. I estimate it would take about $20,000 to go through these treatments for the rest of the year. I have set up a gofundme page, if anyone would like to contribute to my treatments, I would appreciate it.
Here I was a few hours after I received my scan results, at the bottom of the Pittsburgh Incline. Life is about to lift me to fantastic vista of the city, but the road forward is steep. I need help.
I’m just now reading your last 3 posts, Helena, and am surprised also. You seemed very good this evening at Tai Chi and if anyone can beat this a second time, it’s you. I bet the alternative treatments you mentioned will help considerably. Hope this turns around quickly.