When I first got my CT Scan results which was the first time I was alerted to the fact that I might have cancer, I couldn’t bring myself to tell my 14-year-old son. He has just started high school about a month ago. Things are going so well for him. On his own initiative, he took a summer geometry course at a local community college this past summer so he could take AP math in his senior year. He did well, already got his first A before school started. He enrolled himself in JROTC for their training. He is in the marching band, going to every football game on Friday nights. On top of all the school activities, he works part-time at Kumon one night a week and goes to his kung fu classes 3-4 times a week. He has a full life! I couldn’t bear the thought of crushing his young adult life with bad news! How do you tell your son you have cancer out of the blue?!
[Read more…]Power to Heal
I rarely sleep through the night anymore. I am usually woken up by either cough or pain in the middle of the night. Sometimes I am able to take my cough medicine and go back to sleep, other times not.
This morning was no different. I lied awake in the dark in pain, the house was quiet. I got into my sleeping meditation position and just be with the pain. At least I could still feel the pain, many people would trade me for that (ok, maybe not that many, hahaha!).
From the time I went to the doctors thinking I got an annoying cough wouldn’t go away which lead to the initial chest x-ray, then CT scan, now stage 4 lung cancer, bone cancer and possibly a brain tumor to join the party, the whole thing went down in less than a month’s time! I am not someone use to being sick, can’t even remember the last time I had the flu, must be 10+ years!! I am in absolute awe at the power of destruction happening in my own body. When I saw the CT scan image of my lungs for the first time, I was in shock. Healthy lungs should look like black empty chambers, mine was filled with cancer cells that lit up like Christmas bulbs, filled both of my lungs with the mess in my upper left lung looked like a cluster of stars in a galaxy. If I didn’t know any better, it looked marvelous! It’s like watching a lightning storm from a distance, you can’t help but in awe of its beauty.
Yet despite all the destructive cells actively attacking my body, my lungs are still drawing every breath as I lied in the dark, in and out, in and out… isn’t it amazing that I am still breathing and for the most part functioning? How much can the human body take?
A thought occurred to me, if the power of destruction is so strong in me, then so must be the power to heal. If there is yin, there must be also yang, that’s the law of the Tao. I just have to tab into my own power to heal.
My treatments are starting next week. I will lean on all the support around me to evoke that healing power within. For as long as my lungs are willing to draw in the next breath, I am here to live. I am here to love this world.
Family Support
I know I have been going through a tough time lately with all the doctors’ appointments and grim diagnosis, but life is not without joy and grace by any means. In fact, the past couple of weeks made me realize how much I am loved and supported by the world around me.
It’s not just the prayers and words of encouragement I have gotten via emails and comments you see here, but also people show up to help me when help is needed.
Today for example, Brett (my ex-husband) dropped me off at the hospital for my pet scan at 6:30am, he went over to my apartment to get things ready to move my furniture back to the house. At 9am, my tai chi friend, Joan, picked me up after my pet scan while Brett met up with my tai chi friends, Sam and her husband, Ron (I have only met a few times), Jim and his friend Chad (whom I didn’t even know) to help me with the move. Joan showed up yesterday to pack up my kitchen for me. Sam and Ron stayed at my apartment after the move to clean things up. Tomorrow, as I understand, there is another crew of cleaners going to my apartment to finish up the cleaning!
In the most desperate time of my life, people are so generous with their love and support. I can’t thank them enough for all they have done for me! You give me the strength to face life’s difficulties when I have little myself.
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