It has been 5 days of my usual after chemo “down days”. Like last time, I managed my nausea well enough that I didn’t throw up. Guardian Angel Oreo was watchful, but didn’t watch over me with concerned cat eyes. 🙂 I took it easy this time and allowed myself to rest as much as my body wants. I can’t say the side effects passed any quicker, but I certainly felt better going through it.
Tomorrow, I am going to tai chi week in Orangeville. This is a special week for me. I was diagnosed about this time last year. Orangeville was having a tai chi week as usual except the group heard about my illness and made me the “volunteer project” of the week. They chanted for me, made me a card and sent me a picture of the group. It brighten my world through those dark days. Allison Feeling wrote me a song titled “lungs“. The lyrics made me cry. I made it through a desolate winter.
Cancer seems to be such a senseless disease (so is every disease). Looking back on my year’s journey though, it has been a year of miracles one after another. I can’t help but in awe of life’s creation. Given who I was and where I was in life, if there was another way for life to show me the true wonders of life, it would have. This is the quickest way to transformation.
I used to go to tai chi weeks 4-6 times a year. I was lucky enough to have a business that allowed me to travel and pursued my personal interests, so I did. What was I chasing after life with such a fervent for? Eternal peace? Enlightenment? I used to be proud of my ability to endure. I endured long hours of practice in the name of achievement. I endured long hours of work in the name of work ethics. I endured arduous relationships in the name of acceptance. Cancer took all that away in one fell swoop. It took me almost a year to realize the point of life is not enduring life, the point of life is enjoying life so I can love life. I enjoy my tai chi practice so much better when I did it in small increments with care. I enjoy my work so much better when I don’t have the pressure to produce. I can accept people unconditionally when I let the relationships go or be as they are.
It took me all year to realize the spiritual journey is not a journey of the mind where I work to attain a certain mental state. The spiritual journey is a journey of the physical body. It started when I took my first breath and it will end when I take my last. On this spiritual journey, it is about learning to be sensitive enough to honor our physical needs. Why else are we in this physical body? When I had perfect health and a perfect body, I didn’t understand that. I couldn’t understand that.
I was super independent from a very young age. I lived away from my parents since I was 12-years-old. I learned to be tough, tried to handle everything on my own. Life has to orchestrate something as big as cancer to make sure I couldn’t carry it alone. I had to learn to open up and receive from the world. Life is meant to be lived with love and support of the world. You’ve all shown me that in the past year.
I know my journey is not over yet. For as long as cancer is still here, I still have something to learn, something to deepen in my practice of living. This time around, instead of tossing happiness into the future and chase after it, I am going to enjoy every moment as it comes. I will live in peace in my cancer cocoon knowing life will push me out of this when I am transformed and ready to fly. Until then, I relax (放鬆), open to life, and breath.
Here is to a whole new tai chi week of practice being sensitive and honoring my physical body.
If you are reading this and you were at the same tai chi week last year, please come give me a hug. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you are not able to be there, please accept a digital hug. 🙂 Love you all!