I am safe

I have moved through my chemo after effect days much easier this time. Oreo didn’t even have to guard over me like he did before. I was looking forward to his company, but he wasn’t around. That cat, how does he know???!!!

I have had a lot of down time lately since chemo started. Some was forced down time, but mostly since I cleared my calendar, I had a lot of time to spend with myself. I realized one of my childhood lost message was “I am safe”. My parents are good parents. Like any good parents, they were hyper vigilant about my safety. Growing up, they constantly told me don’t do this and don’t do that… or do this and do that. What I heard was it wasn’t safe if I did the wrong thing. All my life, I strived to do everything right. Now that I have more time to be home doing nothing, I listen to how I parent David… do I convey safety or insecurity in this world? Am I telling him to do or not to do certain things out of fear because I don’t want him to make a mistake? What if there are no mistakes? What if he can’t do anything wrong? What if he is totally capable of finding his own way and learning from things we adults label as “mistakes”?

The Chinese word for safe is 安全. 安 means peace, quiet, calm 全 means whole. Peace and whole, that’s how I feel… funny thing to say for a stage 4 cancer patient going through chemo, isn’t it? That is truly how I feel, more so than ever, at any stage of my life. I know I am safe regardless of outcome. Life doesn’t have to go a certain way and I don’t have to do everything right. All I need to do is stay in this moment and breath. My lungs love being lungs. They are like jellyfish inside of me, dancing, dancing, with each breath with joy. I am safe.