They rescheduled my radiation oncology consultation to next Wednesday because the brain specialist I needed to see will be out of the office. It usually takes another 2 weeks to get into treatments. I have a Lok Hup week scheduled in Florida. I was afraid I would have to cancel that due to treatment schedule. Now I am really happy I can get my initial consultation and prep done, go on my trip as planned then come back for radiation. Timing is working out perfectly!
I am disappointed and frustrated chemo didn’t work to control metastasis in my brain. I am quite impressed cancer found another way to grow and spread despite chemo. It’s quite a resourceful little bugger! And… just to be fair, why wouldn’t it be?! It’s my cancer after all. It’s like an evil twin inside of me. I get stronger, it gets stronger. I find new ways, it finds new ways. The gemini is well and alive in me! 😛 OK, evil twin, we are going to have to find a way to live together if you want to live. Be my lover, not my killer, how about that? This cat could use some love. 😻
Speaking of love, cancer has loved me in a weird way. As clinically sick as my charts show, I have not suffered physically other than the initial radiation side effects last year. Mentally, it made me see life more clearly than ever, I feel more grace, love, and joy than ever. Before I got sick, I used to do everything to get somewhere. Now I live life to be here. I let go of so much stuff I didn’t even know I could let go of both mental and physical possessions. Granted the last thing I will let go of is this physical body at some point… cancer or no cancer. I live lightly.
This week after the maintenance chemo has been a much easier week than before. Chemo still affects me, but not nearly as severe. I still have down days and I still have crazy cravings, but for the first time I found a new way to deal with my cravings. What I learned after the last few months is with the right food, it doesn’t take much to satisfy me. With the wrong food, craving gets worse and me eating my way through the pantry just makes my digestive system more congested. So now when I feel my cravings, I learn to sit with myself first. I go through each taste buds and ask, do I want something sweet, salty, sour, etc. until my heart lights up. Then I ask about texture, crunchy, soft, warm, cold, etc. Eventually some food item will pop into my mind and make my mouth water, then I know I have the one! Isn’t that the perfect metaphor for life? It’s the same way with work, relationships, physical possessions, food, and everything else in life. When we have the right “one”, we feel completely satisfied with just one. When we don’t have the “one”, we have this empty craving that no matter how much we have or how many other things we have, that feeling of emptiness never goes away. We end up chasing our own tails and create unnecessary burden on ourselves. All we need to do is calm down, take a few moments to really be with ourselves and go within. There is a part of us always knows what we truly need, we just have to learn to ask and listen. We won’t die (haha) if we don’t jump up and do something about it this second.