Helena Trent

In Darkness Born the Light - My Journey From Mutation To Transformation

Back on the Roller Coaster Ride

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Just when I thought the tumors are under control due to chemo, my brain MRI came back showing 3 little tiny tumors growing back. It turns out the chemo drugs I have been on do not cross the blood brain barrier. 😞 They are referring me to brain specialists and possibly looking into focused radiation to treat those tumors. The good news is they are very small at this point, measured in mm. Since the radiation does not have to go through my intestines like it did last year with my lower back, it should not make me sick like it did before, but of course anything is possible. I will keep everyone posted on dates and treatment plans.

On a lighter side, my maintenance chemo went well today. The impact is a lot less noticeable. We will see what the coming days bring.

Falling In Love Again

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I just got back from a 5-day tai chi retreat and I am falling in love with tai chi practice all over again in a whole new way! 😻

I arrived at tai chi retreat only 7 days after my last chemo. Although I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t have much energy either. If I were at home by myself, this would be the week I struggle to get back on my feet so I fully anticipated not being able to participate much in the program. I gave myself permission to sit out as often as needed.

Being there practicing with everyone though, the group energy carried me. Unlike doing tai chi by myself at home, in a group we were able to feed off each other’s energy. The movements came effortlessly like they had before without me trying to make anything happen. I was pleasantly surprised my tai chi felt as good as it ever did. As weak as this body was, it felt good to be moving. After all this time, after the rough year this body has gone through, it still loves the deep sense of connection tai chi practice brings.

Tai chi practice to me is a dance of life. Through its ups and downs, expansions and contractions, twists and turns, along with the occasional much needed kicks and punches, the body is relaxed and opened to life’s highest evolution physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I know life has plan for me just like tai chi set has a sequence. I may not know what that plan is, much like being a beginner in class, I don’t know the moves of the set. My job is not to know the set, my job is to stay grounded in my alignment simply experience the movements in every moment. In the process of relaxing and opening, I come to know my true self and the unwavering strength within. I could feel my strength building up throughout the week. I got a little stronger everyday. I got a little brighter everyday. When it was all said and done, I was able to participate in the whole program except the first day.

On the forth day, we worked on an exercise called “push hands”. It’s a practice we do with a partner with the intension of assisting each other in their practice. Master Moy used to say 15 minutes of push hands equals to 3 hours of tai chi practice. This morning I woke up with a funny thought… I have been doing push hands with cancer for a year! lol! No wonder I feel like I aged a decade. Hahaha! OK, all jokes aside, cancer as the ultimate push hands partner has helped me to be more grounded than ever (ok, yes, by literally grounding me, 😝). It helped me realize my true strength and alignment. My contribution to the world is not by being the superwoman that I was in taking care of everything and everyone. My contribution to the world is healing myself. The microcosm affects the macrocosm. In healing myself, I heal the world around me. “The world has enough superheroes, thank you for not being a superhero.” as one of the workshop participants told me. No, I don’t want to be a superwoman anymore. All I want is to be human as humanly possible. Our form of tai chi training is about being real. This is how I feel, this is where I am, this is what I can do at this moment. From this deeply grounded place, we can give back to the world freely in full alignment of who we are, where we are, no more, and no less.

Big thank you and big hugs to the whole group!! You made such a difference in my life just by being there! 💞

Tai Chi Week

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It has been 5 days of my usual after chemo “down days”. Like last time, I managed my nausea well enough that I didn’t throw up. Guardian Angel Oreo was watchful, but didn’t watch over me with concerned cat eyes. 🙂 I took it easy this time and allowed myself to rest as much as my body wants. I can’t say the side effects passed any quicker, but I certainly felt better going through it.

Tomorrow, I am going to tai chi week in Orangeville. This is a special week for me. I was diagnosed about this time last year. Orangeville was having a tai chi week as usual except the group heard about my illness and made me the “volunteer project” of the week. They chanted for me, made me a card and sent me a picture of the group. It brighten my world through those dark days. Allison Feeling wrote me a song titled “lungs“. The lyrics made me cry. I made it through a desolate winter.

Cancer seems to be such a senseless disease (so is every disease). Looking back on my year’s journey though, it has been a year of miracles one after another. I can’t help but in awe of life’s creation. Given who I was and where I was in life, if there was another way for life to show me the true wonders of life, it would have. This is the quickest way to transformation.

I used to go to tai chi weeks 4-6 times a year. I was lucky enough to have a business that allowed me to travel and pursued my personal interests, so I did. What was I chasing after life with such a fervent for? Eternal peace? Enlightenment? I used to be proud of my ability to endure. I endured long hours of practice in the name of achievement. I endured long hours of work in the name of work ethics. I endured arduous relationships in the name of acceptance. Cancer took all that away in one fell swoop. It took me almost a year to realize the point of life is not enduring life, the point of life is enjoying life so I can love life. I enjoy my tai chi practice so much better when I did it in small increments with care. I enjoy my work so much better when I don’t have the pressure to produce. I can accept people unconditionally when I let the relationships go or be as they are.

It took me all year to realize the spiritual journey is not a journey of the mind where I work to attain a certain mental state. The spiritual journey is a journey of the physical body. It started when I took my first breath and it will end when I take my last. On this spiritual journey, it is about learning to be sensitive enough to honor our physical needs. Why else are we in this physical body? When I had perfect health and a perfect body, I didn’t understand that. I couldn’t understand that.

I was super independent from a very young age. I lived away from my parents since I was 12-years-old. I learned to be tough, tried to handle everything on my own. Life has to orchestrate something as big as cancer to make sure I couldn’t carry it alone. I had to learn to open up and receive from the world. Life is meant to be lived with love and support of the world. You’ve all shown me that in the past year.

I know my journey is not over yet. For as long as cancer is still here, I still have something to learn, something to deepen in my practice of living. This time around, instead of tossing happiness into the future and chase after it, I am going to enjoy every moment as it comes. I will live in peace in my cancer cocoon knowing life will push me out of this when I am transformed and ready to fly. Until then, I relax (放鬆), open to life, and breath.

Here is to a whole new tai chi week of practice being sensitive and honoring my physical body.

If you are reading this and you were at the same tai chi week last year, please come give me a hug. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you are not able to be there, please accept a digital hug. 🙂 Love you all!